Long Time - No Blog

Life is just as crazy as it always is. Simply haven't had the energy or the time to sit down and blog.

Had a wild dream about Scot last nite. Wow, one of those dreams that truly seems real and it's such a disappointment to wake from it.

Hate the thought of being off work for the holidays and not being able to see him. He makes me laugh like nobody's business and that is something that's hard to do these days. Don't always feel like I have much to laugh about.

Just called to wish my niece a happy birthday - she wasn't home.

One week left until payday and I'm completely out of money. Prayers that work feels benevelent this year and gives out really good bonuses. Won't have a Christmas without it. Need to pay the rest of the rent for the month, too.

My son has been nagging me to put up the Christmas decorations and I keep putting it off. wouldn't put up any if it wasn't for him. I'll try and do it tomorrow. I did promise him I would.

My son's friend is over for the night. That's good - it keeps him occupied and gives me a little more time to myself. Have no idea what I'll give them for dinner, though.

Good thought for the night - I did buy "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" so I need to settle in tonight and watch it.

Next Step - Meditation

Whew... what a day. What a past couple of days. Right now I'm blogging at the library. I went to work this morning after having a bad day there yesterday, only to be once more confronted by my jerk of a boss, in our morning meeting, in front of everyone. I sucked it up as best I could for the remainder of the meeting and then when it was over, got my purse and my cell phone and left. I literally was not going to take it for one more minute. I'm sick and tired of the double standard for people at that place. Those who are imcompetent or ass-kissers are left to their own devices while those of us who honestly try to do a good job are ridiculed in front of others and held to an impossibly high standard. It's been quite some time since I have allowed my job to stress me out to the point of physical impairment, but it happened yesterday and now once again today I feel as though my stomach has been kicked in.

I just do not want to go back there. After 30+ years of working I simply don't want to take that kind of abuse any more. And yet, I have nothing. No monetary reserves, no family back-up to carry me through the luxury of quiting and trying to find something better. I guess my only alternative is to try and calm myself down, try and convince myself that I've survived far worse than this and get back there. I need to keep thinking of my son's smiling face and know that nothing can overcome how much I love him and how much life we have to live.

Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

I'm Sleeeping...

Yikes - overslept this morning and missed my first hour of work for my second job today. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I didn't have to work two jobs? I would have loved to be able to take my son for a weekend trip somewhere - maybe to the beach.

Sometimes the beach makes me think about my mom. When she found out that her breast cancer had returned, she had a desire to take off for the beach, so my son and I went with her. I remember that weekend as if it were yesterday. The weather was beautiful. We sat on the sand looking out at the ocean and cried. I didn't know then that she only had three more years to live.

From that weekend on until the day she died, I could literally feel her withdrawing into herself. It was as though she was no longer my mother - that she became someone else. It was the beginning of a huge shift in my world.

The Bottom of the Bell Curve

This has been a tough week. The money is gone, I don't know how I'm going to make it, and work has been a drag. I cried there today. I HATE when I do that, and once it starts I get so mad at myself for doing it that I cry even more. Scot was short with me when I asked him to help me with something and after already being on the edge from other people I normally like being snippy with me, it just made me really sad. You see, I think I like Scot. As in, what would it be like to have a relationship with him? I used to think Scot liked me too, but I don't anymore. It's been seven years since my divorce and longer than that since I've been in a relationship, I can't even imagine what to do. I think at this age, my chances are gone. I truly believe that my place on this earth is to raise my son the best I can and then live the rest of my days out alone.

I must think of one good thing before I go to bed... the weather has been absolutely perfect the past couple of days and it has been sublime to just walk outside and breathe the air.

Relevant pics from Flickr

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Wormwood and Whines: Poetry for Grouchy People
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Bad Vibes

"When issues get too complicated, you tend to withdraw into yourself until you've decided what to do. This is one of those times when it may seem easier to just sink quietly to the bottom of your cave and let the world flow by. However, this isn't in your best interest. Instead, select your most important feelings and share them with someone close to you."

Well, very weird vibes today at work. Boss was out, kids went nuts. Actually, there were several people who were in very funky bad moods and I felt it spread like a disease. There are some people there that I really like but saw a side of them today that I could've done without. Then, the worst thing is that I allowed that to bring me down - like I somehow felt responsible for their discontent.

WAY too much info today on the fires in Southern California. Must be a slow news period - these types of fires occur every year in the same areas and the press acts as if it's Pompeii. Much empathy for the people whose homes that have been destroyed and can least afford it.

That brings up something that I can never understand. Just like in the show "Survivor", there's always a group of people who build their homes in the least hospitable spot. Yearly fires, floods and tornadoes in trailerville, and yet every time one of these disasters plows through, people just get right back up and build on the spot destined for next year's catastrophe. It's either eternal optimism or blind love for home.

Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water and be able to afford to make this place home instead of having another failure to add to the ever-growing list.

The Beginning

–noun

1.	an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state: the beginning of hostilities.

2.	the point of time or space at which anything begins: the beginning of the Christian era; the beginning of the route.

3.	the first part: the beginning of the book; the beginning of the month.

So here I am - at the beginning. And where better to start than at the middle; the now. I'm not sure why now - maybe just that after so many years of being somewhere on the periphery it should be time to jump in. It seems that years ago when I was so full of angst, so alive, it was easy to let the words flow, even if it was through crummy poetry. But years have passed, with some happiness and much sorrow, and it's far easier to turn inside rather than out.

Hopefully this format will allow me to exorcise some things that I've just allowed to lay fallow and fester.

What happened to me? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now?

If someone reads this and it happens to make a connection - so be it. If not, the words exist somewhere other than my head.

To bed for now. Baby steps...