Yikes - overslept this morning and missed my first hour of work for my second job today. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I didn't have to work two jobs? I would have loved to be able to take my son for a weekend trip somewhere - maybe to the beach.
Sometimes the beach makes me think about my mom. When she found out that her breast cancer had returned, she had a desire to take off for the beach, so my son and I went with her. I remember that weekend as if it were yesterday. The weather was beautiful. We sat on the sand looking out at the ocean and cried. I didn't know then that she only had three more years to live.
From that weekend on until the day she died, I could literally feel her withdrawing into herself. It was as though she was no longer my mother - that she became someone else. It was the beginning of a huge shift in my world.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Bottom of the Bell Curve
This has been a tough week. The money is gone, I don't know how I'm going to make it, and work has been a drag. I cried there today. I HATE when I do that, and once it starts I get so mad at myself for doing it that I cry even more. Scot was short with me when I asked him to help me with something and after already being on the edge from other people I normally like being snippy with me, it just made me really sad. You see, I think I like Scot. As in, what would it be like to have a relationship with him? I used to think Scot liked me too, but I don't anymore. It's been seven years since my divorce and longer than that since I've been in a relationship, I can't even imagine what to do. I think at this age, my chances are gone. I truly believe that my place on this earth is to raise my son the best I can and then live the rest of my days out alone.
I must think of one good thing before I go to bed... the weather has been absolutely perfect the past couple of days and it has been sublime to just walk outside and breathe the air.
I must think of one good thing before I go to bed... the weather has been absolutely perfect the past couple of days and it has been sublime to just walk outside and breathe the air.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Relevant pics from Flickr
 By GavinBell |  By Johnnyloo |  By HAMACHI! |  By chicagosheri |
Product Details from Amazon
Wormwood and Whines: Poetry for Grouchy People
Manufacturer: Superiorbooks.Com Inc
ASIN #: 1931055238
Price: $9.95
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Bad Vibes
"When issues get too complicated, you tend to withdraw into yourself until you've decided what to do. This is one of those times when it may seem easier to just sink quietly to the bottom of your cave and let the world flow by. However, this isn't in your best interest. Instead, select your most important feelings and share them with someone close to you."
Well, very weird vibes today at work. Boss was out, kids went nuts. Actually, there were several people who were in very funky bad moods and I felt it spread like a disease. There are some people there that I really like but saw a side of them today that I could've done without. Then, the worst thing is that I allowed that to bring me down - like I somehow felt responsible for their discontent.
WAY too much info today on the fires in Southern California. Must be a slow news period - these types of fires occur every year in the same areas and the press acts as if it's Pompeii. Much empathy for the people whose homes that have been destroyed and can least afford it.
That brings up something that I can never understand. Just like in the show "Survivor", there's always a group of people who build their homes in the least hospitable spot. Yearly fires, floods and tornadoes in trailerville, and yet every time one of these disasters plows through, people just get right back up and build on the spot destined for next year's catastrophe. It's either eternal optimism or blind love for home.
Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water and be able to afford to make this place home instead of having another failure to add to the ever-growing list.
Well, very weird vibes today at work. Boss was out, kids went nuts. Actually, there were several people who were in very funky bad moods and I felt it spread like a disease. There are some people there that I really like but saw a side of them today that I could've done without. Then, the worst thing is that I allowed that to bring me down - like I somehow felt responsible for their discontent.
WAY too much info today on the fires in Southern California. Must be a slow news period - these types of fires occur every year in the same areas and the press acts as if it's Pompeii. Much empathy for the people whose homes that have been destroyed and can least afford it.
That brings up something that I can never understand. Just like in the show "Survivor", there's always a group of people who build their homes in the least hospitable spot. Yearly fires, floods and tornadoes in trailerville, and yet every time one of these disasters plows through, people just get right back up and build on the spot destined for next year's catastrophe. It's either eternal optimism or blind love for home.
Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water and be able to afford to make this place home instead of having another failure to add to the ever-growing list.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Beginning
–noun
So here I am - at the beginning. And where better to start than at the middle; the now. I'm not sure why now - maybe just that after so many years of being somewhere on the periphery it should be time to jump in. It seems that years ago when I was so full of angst, so alive, it was easy to let the words flow, even if it was through crummy poetry. But years have passed, with some happiness and much sorrow, and it's far easier to turn inside rather than out.
Hopefully this format will allow me to exorcise some things that I've just allowed to lay fallow and fester.
What happened to me? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now?
If someone reads this and it happens to make a connection - so be it. If not, the words exist somewhere other than my head.
To bed for now. Baby steps...
| 1. | an act or circumstance of entering upon an action or state: the beginning of hostilities. |
| 2. | the point of time or space at which anything begins: the beginning of the Christian era; the beginning of the route. |
| 3. | the first part: the beginning of the book; the beginning of the month. |
So here I am - at the beginning. And where better to start than at the middle; the now. I'm not sure why now - maybe just that after so many years of being somewhere on the periphery it should be time to jump in. It seems that years ago when I was so full of angst, so alive, it was easy to let the words flow, even if it was through crummy poetry. But years have passed, with some happiness and much sorrow, and it's far easier to turn inside rather than out.
Hopefully this format will allow me to exorcise some things that I've just allowed to lay fallow and fester.
What happened to me? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now?
If someone reads this and it happens to make a connection - so be it. If not, the words exist somewhere other than my head.
To bed for now. Baby steps...
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